It is natural for narcissistic people to care for the things that they consider worthy, particularly when given a platform to do so. To me he is like a predator sucking the happiness out of his prey and then throwing them away when they are sad. Oh yes! Cuz hes made himself King? I relate to alot of what you are saying. He turned that into I am insecure. Please dont ever stop! lets talk about his controlling ability. and yet, he BLAMES ME and texted me just the other day about how hurt and angry he is. This is often referred to as "love bombing." Your children should come first and if you have an N boyfriend you need to break up. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. In order to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and reload the page. Kim has also said this. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. Debbie says to a narcissist marriage equals money and talks about the childlike behavior. I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. He was mad, but he has not been pushing this limit since. I just need to decide. Have we had good times? Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Leaving can set of behaviour you might not be expecting and it is best if you are prepared. I thought we had a strong attachment but I found out last week that he has been having affairs with several different women. When I was looking for it and asked you, you said you didnt see it. My phone broken, the destruction on my car, my stolen pics, do I just have to let go. It also focus the responsability, in oneself(mua). If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. I heard her talk to him one time and knew he was suffering with a monster too. I hope everyone reading this blog is able to share a genuine laugh or smile today. Your email address will not be published. Hi Harrison and welcome I understand your feelings and hear that you are hurting. Getting our own relationship situations under our control with Gods help..is not optional if we want to live all the numbers of our days offered to us at birth. He drew me back in, and then I found out at the same time he was softening me up and I was letting down my guard he was seeing and sleeping with an ex-girlfriend! I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. Why? With his having to have things a certain way, hes cost the company money and possibly earned a reputationthat or the boss really does like him and is giving him more responsibilitywho knows, I just know the fall out of it all! I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? He HAS improved, but his basic method of interaction is still unempathetic bullying, put-downs, anger, outbursts, only occasionally considering my needs and concerns, and not being accountable for the little things in life. My husband left me over a year ago. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. This is all past tense and yet in my head it feels like yesterday. Holding him accountable for mistakes. Finally I knew I couldnt live like that and I had to leave. But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. Thanks for your solid advice!! I am wondering why Kim hasnt responded to meI immediately think, as he and his friends do, that it is because I am to blame for his leaving. I have been doing when you suggested here. Ofcourse that did not go over well. Hi Shannon and welcome here and in my short ebooks I hope you find the help you need (-: Please, What does your comment is awaiting moderation mean? We had a one year long distance relationship after living together for two years and I didnt even get a phone call when we had a family bereavement. They're ignoring you and making themselves inaccessible to you. Do not warn him about this or he may have time to make up a story. Good luck xx. he of course was perfect and still is. The most important factor in this seems to be TRUST. The reverse discard is when you subtly push the narcissistic individual to discard you first so that there is a reduced chance of narcissistic rage or retaliation since they feel they have "won" the break-up. I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him. Whats the answer? NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. It's much like a child throwing a temper tantrum, and in fact, the mentality that learned this tactic was that of a child. Hi to everyone who has written in, this has to one of the very best blogs ever. I dont contribute to what they have wittnessed, he is doing a fine job of that by himself. He is getting the msg now and is much nicer, kinder but he is still the charmer especially of women who adore him..and men want to protect him.. and he is a role playing man. Thank you again. He is truly an emotional invalid with little ability to connect. I know there is a grieving process. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. So frustrated in my 24 years of marriage! Sorry to rush and also sorry to everyone I havent answered today I have a job for the next few days and dont have a lot of time! He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. My parents are divorced. Through 15 years of marriage he was never faihful and treated our children and me disrespectfully. I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. This is a good thought-provoking article, and the discussions following it are even more interesting. In hopes that others may see and be able to decide what is best for them. Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software. He is already a bit worked up he gets worked up alot I said no of course notturns out, when he said Monica, I assumed Monica from the bank called but I find out no, Monica is the secretary for the company the cheque was written to which I could not have known and a little further investigation on my part was she tried to cash the cheque before the date so the bank returned it! I had my ex boyfriend arrested for assault. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. What (they) choose to believe is irrelevant. Sorry to hear Joan. and want to learn to truly love not for what they give me but for what I can give! I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. However, he continued to push and push to see if I would break.trying to get me to act as immature as he wouldso he wouldnt feel inferior.or at least cause me pain to ease his own. But recently it has about chewed me up and spit me out. Now I control my own bank account and will not be involved with him with regard to money in any way, shape, or form for as long as we both shall live. So not just the police, and stay with you, but police and ending the relation He never hit me, or anything near me. He tells me Im the sick one that needs help, and do you know hes right ! We have bitter fights about the importance of money in a married relationship. I worked through all your books, eagerly. Why are you afraid to respect yourself and not allow someone to cross your boundaries even once! Only within the last couple of years did I start studying manipulation techniques for something unrelated. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. That is why I am ending the relationship. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. So I am glad its over. Thank you Kim, reading your stuff has helped me so much to become a stronger person. I mean for me to feel the kind of trust for him and love from him that a woman ought for someone she is having sex with wow, that would be gigantic. This is going to be quite interesting to get a hold of. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. Perhaps your local mental health team? I have a good material life, although everything is his. Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. More importantly, they have no affective empathythe ability to feel what another person is feelingmuch less have compassion for others. We separated for 6 months and identified the things we needed to work on in order for her to move back in and us to be a family again. I use to say to myself, o my goodness, how in the world will we ever get to the stuff that makes us want to be with people. And thanks Kim for this site and your work. Naturally being codependent I resolved that one and pretended all was fine but felt deeply hurt. I will continue to work with the information provided by Kim and Steve in hopes that I might heal and not attract another person with NPD in the future. I have a husband with Borderline Personailty Disorder & he is very narcissist. Refusing to challenge a narcissist's opinion helps you avoid the risk of being attacked. He will never admit hes wrong. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. Like I said, I have been firm with establishing boundaries for myself in a calm and non-confrontational but stern manner, but he continues to violate them and refuses to speak to me. Loss of supply - crying for themselves because they've lost a valuable source of supply. These as with all of Kim and Steves materials and information are interchangeable for whatever the situation you are in, including with your daughter. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. I arranged that myself. All of the blaming, name-calling, lying, deflecting, financial abuse is worse. Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. When you've finally had enough of their antics and hold a narcissist accountable for their actions, they will fly into a rage to make you back off and distract from your accusations. Ive had to learn to detach rather than focus on atttachment. Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. You really need the steps in Back From the Looking Glass. It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. Not even sure if he is narcissist, but think soalthough some days I wonder if its me instead! Hes still with her (and who knows who else!) The last time I tried, he beat me so badly that I almost lost my life. Granted, I cant honestly say I could have done anything differently because by the time I did that, I had nothing left from years of dealing with his disorders. They wont like what you are saying, but if you show genuine concern for them and let somebody else play the bad guy, you can keep your connection at the same time as setting a boundary. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). We are certainly not about stroking his ego, but you need to be cool and calm to put a new plan into action. You need to find yourself a private detective who will help you and gather information for the police on his criminal activities. Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. I know I will have bad days but again I have hope and I will continue to learn from your experience. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. Hi Kim and Steve, Word salads and nonsensical conversations . That's why they fly into rages and punish and threaten you if you threaten to leave them and love bomb you if you do manage to get away. Marie, sorry to hear. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. He is now getting these fixes by yet another activity. I am happy and I have money in my name in caseI am left behind. They walk around thinking they look perfect together and embrace the feeling of getting noticed. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. I really am too frightened. Its not fair to her. He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. People do change but sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears. I didnt set boundaries with him because i was so hurt by the sudden death of my husband. This creates an environment in which the narcissist is never held accountable and paves the way for the narcissist to escalate and become increasingly destructive. Fortunately, my 13 year old can see most of his BS, but the 10 and 9 year old boys can not. What I am suggesting here is not about reasoning but action. I am over him but we have 3 kids and he has created a life of hell for all of us. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. And michelle I know just where you are coming from as well. You need to get Back from the Looking Glass, 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook ASAP. You cannot decide what they will do and if they ask what you want you need to be ready to say, It appears he is having severe withdrawals and if his medication is not monitored more closely I am concerned about what may result.. He rejects Jesus and has become like a god himself with supporters who validate him. 11) Since my son was going to eventually get my old car and your car was part of the bankruptcy and they were going to take it, I suggested that I buy a new car 10 month earlier than I needed too. Hes a gigolo too, pretty sure of it.I need him out of here and dont know how to be more blunt. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. You dont deserve this either for the rest of your life. Thanx for clarifying. This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. I now know there is no fixing or holding them accountable short of having them arrested if there is criminal behavior. They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment. I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. He returned to the USA and after two years and 3 visits, I accepted his proposal. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first. I have a beautiful six month old son to a man I love and care for who suffers from NPD. Please tell us, how are things going for you and your children? And I wonder if you may be co-dependent if it is not merely the grieving process of a break up. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. I get it you want me out because I am of no use to you anymore This is hell. I have come to understand that there are some people that unless sacrafice is made, they may never know what true good in life they can have. I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. This is indeed, a difficult road to travel. If your narcissistic friend is supposed to have lunch with you, invite a few other friends without telling her. Just food for thought. I thought he was the love of my life!! Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. I told him that since he wouldnt go for help, he had to leave. Maybe if i had not had all the losses and children and could have spent my life concentrating on working on him there could have been hope but i think it is unlikely. . You like to be sick. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. Nothing will convince them or change them. Thanks to all of you as well. I constantly remind myself of this. The ultimate problem within them is selfish pride. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. I got out. One thing I am puzzled about is how do these people keep their jobs with all of the chaos they can cause such as in the case with Catherine. What a joke. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. Ive had my hair pulled, been hit, wakened in the middle of the night by yelling and screaming, breaking objects, punching holes in walls. Every step of the way I had guards and boundaries in place. I gave him a choice he choose wrong and he is definitely suffering the consequences. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. 23.9K subscribers Subscribe 10 Share 80 views 1. I did giveand giveand do and do I am only responsible for my self. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. We have not had a fight or argument for over 6 weeks! I know that I need to be patient and quiet.. I will be around as I keep working and learning. I feel trapped! Then what if they break the promise? Hi Kim, As for the promise, I finally had to stand my ground. I have also tried Kims suggestion at not allowing my husband to put me down when he is trying to shut me up bc he cant handle hearing an opposing opinion or something that points out a negative or fault of hismy husband likes to tell me how to do certain mundane tasks like cleaning up after my new dog when she releases herself on our floor. My boyfriend takes no responsibility for anything that he goes. 13 1 Sponsored by TruthFinder Have you ever googled yourself? His response is that he does not need to tell us whether or not he has moved on, while hurting the ones that love him because not care that he who calls us his family, is feeling this change in him, and yet he refuses to explain.