July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. Spyglassez Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. I mean, maybe? Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. I mean ever. lets_be_honest She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. bittergaymark lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. Spyglassez July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. What is this site, a Masters program? Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . lets_be_honest YUCK. bittergaymark He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. Addie Pray I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. painted_lady if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. Tell them in detail what you like about them. Mommy and daddy love each other. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! Skyblossom Have you read Tumblr recently? I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. So, here is the thing. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. EVER. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. Is it forcing or is it parenting? July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! One activity we all enjoyed!!!! it seems to . There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! Mother of a Fangirl. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. He came home four hours later. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. I have to just try harder.. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Tell her how much he appreciates it. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. Well done, as always, my friend. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. My parents listened to Oldies. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. The Inner Light Seriously. (Kept me sane), Astronomer I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. bittergaymark How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? Plus, I like Rick Castle. Well-said, courtney. 1. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. Liquid Luck Im breaking out in hives. Most of them are women. lets_be_honest And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. Will he ever change? In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. bittergaymark Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. Great lesson to learn from your dad. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. I agree weddings can be stupid . No. Talk about making a little go a very long way. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Ha! No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. She is also noncompetitive. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. Hey, that kind of worked for me. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! This is exactly my experience, too. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. No. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. I got the same vibe you did. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. I know that we all love the music from our generation. I never did the gross stuff either. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. He is clearly not getting the message. lets_be_honest The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. I completely agree with you on Buffy. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. I watched it when I was a kid. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Are you on Tumblr? Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Ostensibly through her mother. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. . July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. I agree with you, again. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Also hi BGM. honeybeenicki I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. I strongly agree with this. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. Skyblossom But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Addie Pray July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. Did my mother? He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? I camped. I had the same experience at college! The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? 6napkinburger I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. I was in bed, asleep. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Of course its going to drive her away from him. I can't even. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). But the show as a whole, awesome. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. Did I love that stuff? He is dedicated and hard-working. 6napkinburger Definitely. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. My best friend is in that episode! I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do.